The heart of an "infertile" mother

So, last night my husband & I had a conversation that we have not had in a long time.... as he slept (& snored beside me) & I quietly cried.... I remembered why a good while back I asked him not to talk to me about these things.... & that he needed to talk to his "guy" friends about this, NOT ME... b/c at the time i was not strong enough to hear it and apparently I still am not... Okay, so what in the world about this conversation.... We talked about our kids and desires for our future with them & that led to him talking about his desire to have a son like him "a little bumge".... part of it is his desire from having 2 brothers and what it was like growing up together.... they were rowdy but love each other deeply.... we talked more about this and how we love our kids but how he still has that longing.... it all stemed from hoping our 2.5 year old can have a brother one day.... our girls love each other so much & it is a blessing to watch their bond grow, especially since i know what it's like to have a sister! So what in the world right,we have 3 kids! Despite the blessing of being a mother & father, there is still the struggle of being "infertile"/"barren".... for us it's not necessarily the desire to be able to have kids (b/c God has blessed us through adoption!) but sometimes' its the feelings in dealing w/ the "inability"... for me it's an ongoing struggle, sometimes it's quiet & other times it's raging... God has taught me a lot through His word.... even last night He quieted my soul & mind before I fell asleep with "Rejoice in the Lord always, I was say it again: REJOICE! (Phil. 4:4).... Lately... it has overall been somewhat silent but seems to be a stronger struggle every cycle (which can be totally random, i know tmi, good/bad that it's not always every 28days!).... when late though sometimes, i begin to hope to only be disappointed... i know crazy to think I have hope when we have 3 toddlers now, right!? There are times it is the desire to experience what other women experience.... sometimes it's just seeing blessing after blessing (& i'm a nicu nurse, so i'm surrounded by pregnant women or women who just delivered).... it's hard to sometimes not think.... wow, look, they are so blessed (guess I'm not).... like recently i have friends/family that getting pregnant just seems so easy.... they have a boy & a girl like it's nothing & it's easy to think, wow, they must have it right, have it all figure out---how to live this life & receive blessings..... BUT then I'm reminded, why do you complain? or not feel blessed.... look at your home.... the noise, the music, the laughter.... God has given us more than we could've ever asked for! I have lots of friends who would love to have a "baby" & i have lots of friends who are still waiting for a "spouse"..... So I'm reminded not to look at others & wonder "Why?" BUT instead to Look to God who gives us HOPE.... who gives us BLESSINGS.... & Say..."Thank you".... He desires a heart of gratitude! I think in all reality any of us women who have struggled with infertility (& there are a lot of us!) know this is a road that comes with loss & sometimes it comes often when yet again another cycle comes a long (not to mention the hormones too)... BUT as a BELIEVER.... we need to TRUST this path He has allowed us to walk.... & Cling to His Word, Faithfulness & love! & yes, i'll survive this conversation with my husband.... as he said, "You are my best friend, i can share with you how i feel." & Yes, my husband is my best friend.... & he saw immediately how I shut down & he apologized and gave me his full attention & love! My womb may be barren, but my heart is full... with love from an amazing husband & 3 beautiful curly haired kids! :) THANK YOU GOD for letting me experience motherhood!