FIVE Minute Friday: GRACE

Here goes: GRACE Grace is one of my favorite words!!! & this year it was labeled early on to be the theme for my year.... my acyromn for the word: GRACE: God's Redeeming Adoption Comes Everlasting I wish I could say it's been a Grace-filled year... it has as far as the Grace God gives me.... but becoming a Grace giver myself has not come naturally and often is forgotten when things don't go my way.... Often when I hear the word Grace, I first twinge thinking... oh, I should of shown Grace, more grace... okay, I need to work on giving grace... why do I too often forget about Grace... the greatest gift ever given to me.... First when Christ came... He left His Heavenly Throne to come and then He Died on a cross.... sinless.... a painful death for me.... Grace... He sacrificed all for me! Praise God for all He has done for me.... May I learn to lavish in His grace and lavish grace on others! May we as a church become known for the Grace that He first bestowed on us! God is good! He loves us so much and has forgiven us of much and He is soooo compassionate with HIS Grace! Do you know His Grace? Have you forgiven.... have you moved forward in Grace..... Grace is given even when our first thought is to hold on to the NO, they dont deserve it.... Yes, we have to let go... not hold on... b/c we too do not deserve the GRACE He freely gives! 5 Minutes is UP!!! ">

The heart of an "infertile" mother

So, last night my husband & I had a conversation that we have not had in a long time.... as he slept (& snored beside me) & I quietly cried.... I remembered why a good while back I asked him not to talk to me about these things.... & that he needed to talk to his "guy" friends about this, NOT ME... b/c at the time i was not strong enough to hear it and apparently I still am not... Okay, so what in the world about this conversation.... We talked about our kids and desires for our future with them & that led to him talking about his desire to have a son like him "a little bumge".... part of it is his desire from having 2 brothers and what it was like growing up together.... they were rowdy but love each other deeply.... we talked more about this and how we love our kids but how he still has that longing.... it all stemed from hoping our 2.5 year old can have a brother one day.... our girls love each other so much & it is a blessing to watch their bond grow, especially since i know what it's like to have a sister! So what in the world right,we have 3 kids! Despite the blessing of being a mother & father, there is still the struggle of being "infertile"/"barren".... for us it's not necessarily the desire to be able to have kids (b/c God has blessed us through adoption!) but sometimes' its the feelings in dealing w/ the "inability"... for me it's an ongoing struggle, sometimes it's quiet & other times it's raging... God has taught me a lot through His word.... even last night He quieted my soul & mind before I fell asleep with "Rejoice in the Lord always, I was say it again: REJOICE! (Phil. 4:4).... Lately... it has overall been somewhat silent but seems to be a stronger struggle every cycle (which can be totally random, i know tmi, good/bad that it's not always every 28days!).... when late though sometimes, i begin to hope to only be disappointed... i know crazy to think I have hope when we have 3 toddlers now, right!? There are times it is the desire to experience what other women experience.... sometimes it's just seeing blessing after blessing (& i'm a nicu nurse, so i'm surrounded by pregnant women or women who just delivered).... it's hard to sometimes not think.... wow, look, they are so blessed (guess I'm not).... like recently i have friends/family that getting pregnant just seems so easy.... they have a boy & a girl like it's nothing & it's easy to think, wow, they must have it right, have it all figure out---how to live this life & receive blessings..... BUT then I'm reminded, why do you complain? or not feel blessed.... look at your home.... the noise, the music, the laughter.... God has given us more than we could've ever asked for! I have lots of friends who would love to have a "baby" & i have lots of friends who are still waiting for a "spouse"..... So I'm reminded not to look at others & wonder "Why?" BUT instead to Look to God who gives us HOPE.... who gives us BLESSINGS.... & Say..."Thank you".... He desires a heart of gratitude! I think in all reality any of us women who have struggled with infertility (& there are a lot of us!) know this is a road that comes with loss & sometimes it comes often when yet again another cycle comes a long (not to mention the hormones too)... BUT as a BELIEVER.... we need to TRUST this path He has allowed us to walk.... & Cling to His Word, Faithfulness & love! & yes, i'll survive this conversation with my husband.... as he said, "You are my best friend, i can share with you how i feel." & Yes, my husband is my best friend.... & he saw immediately how I shut down & he apologized and gave me his full attention & love! My womb may be barren, but my heart is full... with love from an amazing husband & 3 beautiful curly haired kids! :) THANK YOU GOD for letting me experience motherhood!

Five Minute Friday: Write

So, trying out another 5 minute friday before i head in to work. this week's is about "WRITE".... you should check it out & consider joining in! :) WRITE: I can remember as a young child having an imagination of stories that eventually I began to write on paper. I can remember elementary school papers and a beginning to love writing. My favorite paper in grade school was our English writing paper we had to write during a timed period for the state, I wrote mine on Ruth and her loyalty to Esther & how she came to know God. Then college came & my love for writing had well faded into English papers, research papers, and the all consuming Senior year of nursing with research, etc. Following college, i went straight to seminary where writing changed yet again to a new format, the Turbain (very loved system....) and spent six years writing school papers & reading lots & lots! Finished my 6th year in seminary taking 1/2 of my degree requirements in that year.... needless to say i was ready for a break from reading & writing..... but it wasnt until recently that I fell in love with reading &writing again! And since my imagination has picked up.... who knows maybe one day I'll write that novel or 2 or more from my imagination & it may go somewhere or not... but I hope as I learn to write I can write to the GLORY of God with hopes to direct others to God & to His Word! So thankful for the power in the written WORD, for the strength we alone receive from God's Word! :)

I know a SECRET, shhh..... JOY!

Really, I know a secret..... well, I'm learning a lot about a secret.... that is the secret to being content--having JOY in all things! Ok, so I have thought about this passage in Philippians for a long time lately because we have a song on our scripture cd (SEEDS) that plays a great tune to it: Philippians 4:12-13. I really like it especially since this summer I had turned to Phil. 4:4-13, 20 and it helped me a lot with my anxiety. So, lately I have become too relaxed in my faith.... honestly, I feel like I go through times when I would rather do anything else then spend time in my Bible & journal & truly seek God.... don't get me wrong some of these times, a lot like now, God has been using many things to work on me but there is something lacking when I neglect time in His word! So, I would say I've known this secret for a long time but have at times not been living it out.... THE SECRET to JOY is God's Word: The Bible. As my little girl says, "God's Holy words!" It is the secret to having joy in all circumstances....... when we spend time with Him, He gives us a peace that we can not get from anywhere else & strength & hope that sustains like nothing else can! This past week I've been thinking about this a lot but this weekend as I dwell on this secret, a place to go where there is a wellspring of joy---God's WORD! We need to go to the THRONE OF GRACE and learn from Him & be fed by Him. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Psalm 1.... I imagine a tree near the Water, roots being fed by the WORD of God. I also sometimes imagine my savior and me, he the bridegroom at this tree and falling in love with Him more, that is how we bear fruit from time with HIM! Too often I can see Him leaning against that tree just waiting for me.... and too often, I'm too busy, distracted, tired, you name it! BUT can you imagine at that tree, being Mary & Gleaning from Him as she did, or being in a embrace holding tight to the Savior, we the bride & Him the bridegroom.... God has given us a picture of LOVE, true & everlasting love.... only in Him can we know Joy in all things (phil. 4:11) So, this passage in Philippians talks about the SECRET, but the Bible itself reveals this secret of JOY, God's Words to us! The bread of life, which sustains us! This particular passage goes deep from talking about circumstances (whatever we face & being content) to talking about knowning how to live with little & with a lot. In being hungry or well fed. Living in abundance or in need! It makes me think of the poor in 3rd world countries who don't know what it is like to have, who are hungry, but those who know Christ, also know a peace, a joy! We all can have this joy when we walk with Christ & are fed on His Word alone. "I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." Do you know this secret? I'm going to start blogging more about GRACE & JOY! & let you my friends who want to follow my journey hold me accountable in spending time in God's Word! I would like to begin daily being in His Word, mediating & journaling & also working weekly on my scripture memory (through Scripture typer).... It is sooo important to have God's Word on our hearts especially when the circumstances in our lives may be more difficult to walk through & we know these times come and will come again! My anxiety returned some this weekend, it wasn't too bad, but it was very powerful today & that's why I realize today how important again this is because I've neglected my daily study in His word lately! Brad's (my husband) sermon was good tonight & challenged me so that's why I decided to come home & write this challenge! If you keep up with my journey feel free to hold me accountable & to encourage too! I hope you too will be encouraged & jump in your Bibles daily as well! A great tool for memorizing Scripture: I'm in The Romans Project group, but have added my own too (way behind on Romans, but trying to catch up!)

Five-Minute Friday: Red

My first time joining in the blogging group.... you should join too! :) This week's prompt is Red: This past Sunday we joined my friend Lana at a church plant in Whitley City, KY. At the end of the service communion was taken and had been something they had made as a part of their Sunday AM worship service. I've grown up taking communion but it wasn't until I was nineteen when I fully understood what all of it meant when I opened my heart to Jesus and gave my life to Him. That morning was like many other times when the cup was passed we held on to it until the pastor spoke before being directed to drink, "do this in remembrance of me" is what Jesus said that night at the last supper. The "grape juice" in this traditional plastic cup represented so much more, it is a symbol to remember that night but it is also a time to remember the blood that was shed on the cross for our sins. Jesus, lived a perfect life here on earth as man and God in one to ultimately die on a cross as a sacrifice for MY sins, for all of man's sins! His RED blood covers me and washes me to make me whole, white--clean, purified! REDEEMED! That is the ultimate grace, that He lived, died, and rose again! He did all of this for me and for you and we do not deserve it at all because we are sinners and He is HOLY & perfect! But Jesus blood bridged the gap by redeeming what was once lost that we may stand before Him Redeemed, Forgiven! The blood was shed for a purpose!

Church

Church: What does it mean to me to be a part of a church? 1st, I think family. I grew up in my mom's families' church, so growing up it always felt like "home" and I loved that I had my aunts & uncles & cousins & more than that as the church grew & i grew up i already felt like i had a family before i even became a believer, but i learned about prayer & it's power especially when I spent Christmas 2002 in China & it was my friends & mostly my "family" (Wilkies Grove Baptist Church) who i knew & felt their prayers! It didnt take me long to become attached to Open Door Baptist church in Raleigh. God used my time there to teach me more about "church family" and Brad & learned a lot through our "care groups" time together & living life with others in the church. It's a big church so we didnt know everyone but it still felt like "home": a family among fellow believers! We are soooo thankful for Pastor Dwayne Milioni not only for his preaching & the staff that supported the church but also for the "pre-engagement/marriage" counseling we received! Brad & I were poured into by others who were also seeking to follow Christ! They lived out the Gospel before us! Now, it didnt take long for Dudley Shoals Baptist Church to feel like "home", even though i miss my other 2 homes, i know if we moved again, i would have 3 "homes" to miss! A few weeks ago, i had this overwhelming feeling that DSBC was "family" and it felt soo good, & that's what I told Brad on the way to church. It's sooo easy to get distracted or to be discouraged even with church but God is really showing me that i have to look past any of this & see HIM, because CHURCH is all about Him, it's all about His Glory! I have a dear friend i've encouraged for a long time to get back in church and recently I can see why it can be easy to fall away from church & maybe not desire to go back, but God is teaching me to look to Him, seek to bring Him glory & love on the church, His family, My family! WE are sooo thankful for everyone @ DSBC, for those who have reached out to us & for those who have loved on us & for those who have welcomed us, epecially our precious children! I know we dont know everyone yet (@least I dont) but i hope with time & opportunity that would change & I also pray that we would be reminded daily what CHURCH means and that it is not about "us". Tonight I read some of one of Brad's books & i was really encouraged as I was reminded that we do not take on church membership to be served and taken care of (like if we joined a club, etc.) but instead we join to serve, to love & even be willing to be last....." (I am a Church Member, Thom S. Rainer). So, what are you seeking from church? What does church mean to you? Do you know the ONE who is the cornerstone, the foundation--JESUS? Are we being "gospel-centered" churches/members? "Gospel" is highly talked about in SBC life right & it is not a fad, but I think many churches today have forgotten or lost the fact that the Gospel is not only the church's purpose & mission, it's what birthed the church--- that is the story of Jesus Christ! God didnt design church for man's glory but for His Glory. It's a place where we as believers work together & support & serve one another & our community in sharing the Gospel! I pray that our churches would all be "gospel-centered"! I pray we will not just be a people who knows God, but one who Loves God and our church family! Because you can know God, but not really "know Him." Romans 1

Final Visit

Just finished writing a letter for our 2 foster kids birth mom as tomorrow they go for their final visit. No doubt she is nervous, excited & sad. I can't imagine the vast emotions she is feeling. We've been looking forward to this day, as rights have been terminated, no, i dont mean I am excited for her, but it's been a long process for our kids, over 2.5 years (we've only had them 10 months now, but we hope to adopt them soon).... it's never easy on any kid to go through what they've been through. Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like for yourself as a child or as a parent to be seperated from your children. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like for our daughter who has been with us since she was born and who is so close in age to our two foster kids (3 kids with a 16 month age range).... It's heart breaking! Praying that their hearts will be mended & healed by the One True Healer--Our Heavenly Father! So thankful for the love they receive by our families & friends & especially our church family! Our kids have come a long ways in the last 10 months. Big day tomorrow! We are also in the midst of saying we will "miss you" to a dear friend who is going off to college on Friday! we are excited for her but going to miss her tons! She has blessed us sooo much, not just in her helping our family & especially helping me during the hardest times of having 3 little ones, but she has become a dear friend. & more than that, it's her joy, laugh, & excitment she has brought to our youth group at church, to our home as well! We will greatly miss Mandy Annas while she is off in college but sooo thankful for the time God has blessed us with her! God is soooo GOOD all the time!!!